ANSWERS QUESTIONS FROM BEYOND THE FRINGE!
I recently hit the jackpot in New York Lotto -- $800! A recent
horoscope at the supermarket told me that I should spend the
money on new clothes -- but I want to put it in the bank for a
rainy day! Help!
- a confused Sagittarius (
Boy, ARE you confused. I've yet to hear of a Sagittarius who was only
a little lucky (Hel-Lo?!? Powerball not good enough for you? $800 is
not exactly hitting the jackpot). I've also never heard of a Sag who
actually possessed a savings account. Sounds to me like you have a
Virgo rising somewhere in your sign, but by the sound of your
confusion, I'm sure you don't know that. Sagittarius is the sign of
supreme luck and impetuous behavior. Miss Julie suggests a crash
course in classic Sag behavior. Head to Barney's to pick out a new
lucky suit (and since most Archer have short legs, I'd steer away from
the plaids and go with a dark solid), book a weekend at Donald Trump's
Taj Mahal in A.C., maybe take in a show, then lay whatever money you
have left on number nine, black, at the giant Roulette Wheel,
conveniently located at the center of the casino.
Miss Julie, I am a Cancer (
the moon now, I see a rabbit on its face! Does this mean I am
pregnant?
- Lapin from Detroit.
I'm surprised you can still see the moon in Detroit. I imagined that
all the fossil-fuel producing industry located there had belched so
much acrid smoke into the atmosphere that the nighttime skies above
the shores of Lake Superior had a kind of late Rothko look to them.
Poor deluded Cancer. If you don't have children, you see their little
faces in any shiny surface that comes your way and if you do have
little ones, you want more shiny surfaces in which to reflect their
little snot-encrusted faces. How the heck would I know if you're
knocked up, my little crustacean questioner? I need more to go on
than the typical bordering-on-the-hysterical reaction so often
displayed by those born under your sign. Here's an obvious question:
Have you been having sexual intercourse -- and I mean real old-fashioned
penetration as opposed to the Clintonian kind of heavy petting?
Imagine if Monica Lewinsky had been a Cancer-talk about a clingy
stalker! No, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and sometimes a rabbit
running across the surface of the moon is a play of pollution-produced
shadows. Don't worry so much. And maybe a little prudent
behavior -- like investing in some kind of birth control device -- would put
your mind at ease.
I'm a male Capricorn and have a terrible crush on the bagboy
at the local A&P -- he's a GORGEOUS Scorpio (
Rupert Everett with muscles -- and in possession of an electric smile,
rainforest-green eyes and a sweetly shy nature. Trouble is, he's from
Brazil and speaks very little English. I've invented reasons to pick up
an extra market thing or two every day and we've had heavy-duty eye
contact, but that's about it. With all the extra food, my tiny West Village
kitchen is beginning to look like a Sam's Club Warehouse outpost and
on top of that, I've gained FIFTEEN POUNDS! HELP!! Do you think
we have a future?
- a captivated Capricorn (
A shy Capricorn in pursuit of a passionate Scorpio from Brazil, no less? Congratulations!
You are in the midst of what could be the most exciting love affair of your life. Many a
shy goat had little idea that the bedroom light fixture could hold a man's weight until
meeting up with the insatiable scorpion. This Scorpio grocery-sacker could have you
shouting out for more and if I were less responsible, I'd urge you to head to the nearest
night school for a crash course in Portugese then to Tower Records for a copy of Herb
Albert's Brazil 66. But alas and alack, good conscience, I can't bestow my blessings on
what would in all likelihood be a fleetingly blissful union. Here's a question, expressed
in practical Capricorn-esque terms: Is your green-eyed bagboy in possession of a
U.S. Green Card? Scorpios are known for their steely-eyed determination (please,
Scorpion readers, don't send me your Email stings -- I didn't out and out say all of
you are cold-hearted opportunists), but for all the sexual scorpion's sting, they, like
you, my Capricorn correspondent, have an impressive practical streak. And here's
another question: How could a goat -- the sign of a social climber -- go for someone
who's not even in management? Throw out the Cap'n Crunch and head to the gym!
Beneath your love for the beautiful Brazilian lies a need to baggy betterment.
I live in New York and recently took a trip to New Orleans
with a friend. We went to this psychic there who told me that
my entire family was going to die next month in a car crash.
Should I warn them?
- angst-ridden Aquarius (
This really burns me up. These days, it seems any fool with a turban,
a crystal ball, a recording of some-kind of world-music/pseudo Indian
spirtual singer and a bolt of cheap purple velvet fabric tacked behind
a neon sign advertising Tarot card and psychic readings thinks they
can freely dispense advice to an unsuspecting, vulnerable public.
Astrology is both an art and a science and sometimes a real burden to
those of us upon whom the spirits have bestowed this unique gift. To
render these gifts for filthy lucre, all at the expense of the
often-time desperate believer is beyond criminal. (more language
here?) So the case of your entire family actually dying within the
next month in a devastating car crash is patently ridiculous. But
maybe it wouldn't be imprudent to find out if the insurance premiums
have been paid up. Miss Julie knows of many artists and writers who
could act as beneficiaries for such a kindly and good karmic-producing
act.
My girlfriend, who is a Gemini (
I met her three months ago. I'm a Virgo (
since meeting her, we can't help but have sex 4 or 5 times every day
-- sometimes more! I've had to quit my job in order to satisfy our
desires and now we're both without jobs and are struggling to make
ends meet. I've never been happier in my life but now I have no money.
Miss Julie, can you help me?
- Unsure in Tennessee.
A Virgo with no money and an unsure future happy? Hel-Lo?-!? Sounds
more like karmic forces have teamed up for a giant laugh at your
expense. What were you in a past life -- a jack-booted fascist informant
in Berlin who gave the secret police information about degenerate
painters and cabaret performers? What you don't know, my sated
southern correspondent, is that it takes more than an elite squadron
of flame throwers to melt the iceberg of the Virgo libido and while
Gemini's got that in her battalion, she'll just as quick order that
army to another front. Gemini is the sign of twins and ruled by
Mercury which means for you, my friend born under the sign of the
uptight anushole, is that you better get your resume in order. Miss
Julie prescribes cold showers and salt-peter massages, and visualizing
your lover as Bea Arthur or Madeline Albright or perhaps Maggie
Thatcher (unless, of course, your Virgo tendencies toward discipline
make these women your kind of pin-up girls). What I'm saying is that
you can't ignore your true nature: As sure as the south will rise
again, that little Gemini will follow her natural duality and head for
the hills.
Please note that Miss Julie, in a current state of anonymity, wishes to remain anonymous.
No biography appears, for, in fact, we have none.
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